journal
tbh im just gonna dump all my thoughts here =O
31/08/26
i don't know why i'm still here anymore. every day just repeats itself, i dont have the motivation to do shit. what's the point. people at school make me sick, why do they even bother talking to someone they don't even like. i'm dreading going back, i want to keep staying at home and rotting in my house until its dark enough out that i can go outside without seeing other people. i have so much work i need to do tht i haven't even started, but what's the point. what's the point of anything? i wish i could cut deeper, i wish it could all stop. it doesn't even hurt anymore, i just feel empty. and that's so much worse. i don't want to feel empty, i want to feel things, i want to care about things again, but its so hard. it scares me, the thought of being a horrible person. i know i am, i know the things i say and do aren't normal, but i wish i could be. i wish i had more than two close friends, i wish i wasn't the way i am, i wish i didn't constanly feel like im somewhere else. like i live in my own head, in a place where im not some disgusting freak. i wish strangers would just leave me alone. god forbid i do something a little unconventional in public, but im sticking to myself and not bothering anyone. i wish i looked as sick as i feel, ive been cutting more and deeper recently, just begging for someone to take me seriously. but it doesn't matter. nobody is going to care. they won't care now, and they won't whwn im gone. they'll all pretend for a bit, then go back to normal. they'll all be pleased, pleased that i'm not around to take up space anymore. but whatever. i'll keep pretending someone is going to care, to try to help. and i'll pretend that i'd never push them away. i'll pretend someone is going to save me. if anyone is reading this, um. lots of love i guess =) stay safe